2012: Moving Forward

For most of 2011, life moved forward...and I just stood there...in so many ways. For the remainder of the year, I could not move. Comprehensive exams and the stress of graduate school made me feel like the dumbest person on the planet. Faculty members and grad students judging me for not being more precise, for not being "competitive" on the job market, for not be ABD. The stress of being constantly judged and watched as a parent made me feel guilty. The lack of support, the lack of help, and the lack of a quiet drama free place to work made it impossible for me to ever think...and it brought on the panic attacks. All of the potential job and life changes (both good and bad), the stress, the lack of sleep, the lack of privacy to go to the bathroom, the lack of showering, the inability just to go out and to enjoy life for 5 minutes without feeling guilt...I came crashing down. And it was hard. The physical and emotional pain was brutal. I had never felt so stupid, so lost, so out of control, so negative, so judged, and so alone in all of my life.

At the end of the year, I holed up in the basement for four days and I wrote. And wrote, and wrote and wrote. And I was (mostly) alone with my thoughts for days and days...and I felt more sure than I had for months. Writing is an escape for me. Always has been. I can't say writing as an academic is quite the escape I hoped for, but something about writing this dissertation (ok, proposal) frees me in a way that writing has not in a long time.

2012: The year I move forward---probably not wrapping up in May, and I have to let go of feeling stupid, judged, or bad about it. It is what it is. I am not applying to 15 jobs, I don't have 90 publications, and I am very, very, very average in a world of hyper-competitive crazy ass academics. And you know what?

I am okay with that. I am. I am okay if people think they are better than me. I am ok if I am not the first to graduate. I am okay if I don't have a job right away. Something must have happened when I grew a year older last month. I don't know if something in me died, or if I just stopped drinking the koolaid. Life is what it is. I am not in a race. Let everyone else race. We are all aging, marriages fall apart, kids distance from their parents, kids watch their parents on smart phones or hear them say "I am too busy now." I don't want that to be me. I didn't start this educational journey to have a sprint or a competition. I didn't start it to make friends (though I made some great ones). I made it because I love learning, I have a passion for what I do, and truly, no matter what I say, I love to teach.

I realized very recently (try three days ago) that I will find my place. I am not racing to it, I am not obsessing over it, I am just moving forward. Moving forward with the optimism (note this does not mean I will be snark free) that it will truly all work out. I won't miss my daughters grow up or miss the small moments with them so I can write one more page, grade one more paper, or impress one more person. It just doesn't matter, to me at least. I am slowing life down, and I am enjoying the ride. And for those that think that makes me incompetent, crazy, or any other word, well, you know where Little Miss Sunshine will kindly tell you to do...