2012: The Year that Takes My Certainty Away

I can live with uncertainty. Really-I can. If I couldn't, I wouldn't be stupid enough--er--adventurous enough to get a phd and have two kids. But, the uncertainty is too much. 2012 is the year that has taken my certainty, my hope, and much of my sanity away.

I always start the month of January with hope, this year was no exception. I had my proposal in to my advisor, one class prepared, a job applied for, a half clean house and BOOM...mid-January hit, unraveling it all. First, my advisor is sick (the details you ask...I don't even know). She can't read my proposal or help me with anything...devastation on so many levels...and so much time worrying about what might happen to her...and also to me. In mid-January something always happens. Someone always is in the hospital. This year was Lucy with a viral lung infection. Two days in Children's seeing my babe on oxygen, blood tests, deep suctioning...it was hell on earth. I started the semester rattled.

And I remain rattled, exhausted, uncertain, increasingly negative and defeated. One month has passed--my advisor can't help me. I watch my graduation, my dissertation, and my hopes for a job teetering in the wind, out of my control. Both of my kids are being screened for early childhood intervention this month due to their "gross motor delays." I am not ready or motivated to teach. And everyone keeps reminding me "time is limited"

I stand in the midst of this, once again, completely paralyzed. It is impossible to believe that this is real. That something could be wrong with my kids. That something could be wrong with my advisor. I watch everyone else move forward, and I stand back. And I am so tired, defeated and over it, that I let myself stand still.

As I drag myself into another semester, I wonder if it is worth right. Right now, I could walk away from this with some sense of sanity and mental health--or I can stay, wait and watch myself slowly break down. I never thought I'd be the person to walk away after so much work, but at this point, none of that work is going to pay off. I am defeated, I am not moving forward, and I don't know how I can. I always joked about this point, but as someone who has always been so strong-willed and motivated, I never thought I would arrive. But, I am here. And I don't know where things go from here.