Beautiful Clarity

It has been three months since I last blogged. I didn't think I had the capacity to write about all of the mixed emotions...likely I was right. In my 6 month hiatus from academic life, I have learned more about the thoughts in my head than I thought truly possible. I have thought more about identity, more about what matters, and more about what I want than I think I have before. Here are my major lessons: 1. At my core, I am an academic through and through. Despite the frustrations, I love teaching and learning. I love writing. I love the university. I love the students. It is a lifestyle that despite the struggles and strange hours fulfills my heart in a way that I never realized. The void the past few months has been unsettling. I found myself pacing, wondering, looking for my missing piece, grieving for my missing piece. 2. I learned to think about what is the most important to me. To that end, I have quit my industry job. Yes, you read that correct. 11 years ago, I gave myself a beautiful birthday gift...the gift of graduate school. This month I have give myself a second gift: the gift to pursue what I love in the way I want to pursue it...or at least can pursue it. It is time to go home. Dr. G is back. 3. My youngest is four. I regret the early years I missed with the kids. To that end, I am keeping her home part-time until she starts kindergarten. I want to the opportunity to be more involved in her early learning experiences. 4. I am feeling more connected to my family than before. The power of technology has lead me to aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and has helped me start family relationships I have missed for so many years of my life. Family has always been important to me, despite being ostracized from my own extended family. I get to chat with cousins, I get to talk to my uncle at least twice a week on the phone, and I get to chat with my brother almost daily. My own brother who I wanted a relationship with for so many years. This has filled a part of my heart that I didn't even know was missing. 5. I feel more connected to life and nature and the outdoors. I know, I know. It sounds odd. I am loving snow, the seasons, the beauty. The moment. I have always waited for the next moment so this is all new for me. My future? A few more weeks in a job with people I love but a job that isn't right for me. 2015 brings me a chance to get back to the things I love: writing/revising, teaching, and more time with my kids. It is going to be an interesting but beautiful transition that I am so happy about. I have such clarity about life. It is a beautiful thing.