11 Weeks and Counting

It is hard for me to believe that in 11 weeks or less I am going to be a mom again.
This summer and time seem to be flying by. I am sometimes shocked when I see myself in the mirror. Everyone tells me I am huge, but when you have only gained 6 pounds, it is shocking. This baby is so active--she seems to like Emily, the dogs, and she loves most of my music. :)

Today I realized two things about my pregnancy, two things that make every day a bit scary, a bit sad, and a bit bittersweet.
1. This is the point in my pregnancy with Emily where I got sick. I didn't realize it at the time--mainly because I did not want to realize it. I didn't want to believe that anything could go wrong because I was scared. This time it isn't that way. I am still scared to death, but I am feeling a bit hopeful.

2. Fall is my favorite season. And it is so fitting to have my last baby, my second girl (though in my heart this is my third girl) during my favorite time of the year.
But at the same time, I must be frank in saying that October is one of the most depressing months--closely followed by November and June. October 14, 2006 was the day I found out I was pregnant with my first baby, and November 2, 2006 marks the death of that baby. I remember the joy and relief of FINALLY getting pregnant after three years of trying. I remember the sorrow of knowing the pregnancy was ending. And I remember the helpless I felt when the methotrexate was injected. To know that this baby "should" arrive between those dates is surreal and bittersweet. Part of me feels the sense of relief, the sense of knowing I made it through all of that pain to soon have two beautiful daughters. A part of me remembers trying to buy baby clothes for Jim's cousins during that time in 2006, opening the packages of onesies and weeping for my unborn child. It is hard to believe that this October instead I will be holding my youngest child. It brings tears to my eyes even now.

I have seen other people experience loss. I have talked to others about their loss, and the thing I realize is that the pain never really goes away. I certainly did not intend to have yet another depressing post, but at times, this still weighs on my heart. I know this blog is public-I did that on purpose. I think of others out there, others who are silently grieving. Know you shouldn't be silent, you shouldn't be ashamed, and more importantly, you should never let go of the memory of that child.