Timing

About your timing....see...it sucks.

I think there are a lot of people who would secretly love to tell me this. And there are so many things I am sure many of you know I would like to say in response.

I have been thinking about timing. A lot. And it always, always makes me feel like shit on so many levels. I listen to conversations about timing, blogs about timing, and facebook statuses about timing. Sometimes I laugh, I smirk, I scoff, I cry, or I just flick the computer off. The best is when people make comments about the inappropriateness of timing children in front of a pregnant person!

Let me break this down for you, on paper, my timing sucks. My inspiration for this post? I am sick of being judged. I am sick of being judged by the batshit crazy academics and I am sick of being judged by the gaggle of self-righteous moms. Surely I am not the first doctoral student in history to have two kids while in school. And surely I am not the first mom in history to put her kids in daycare part time. But, both sides make me feel that way. I am sick of it. SICK, SICK, SICK of it, so this blog provides an opportunity for those who judge a chance to understand.

Academics
My life has not, will not and does not revolve around my doctorate. There, I said it. It doesn't. My degree is important to me, it is an honor to me, it is a challenge and an amazing learning experience. But it is not my life. I do love teaching, I am extremely passionate about what I research, but I do not live and die for this. Maybe that makes me a crappy doctoral student...and if it does, so be it. When I found out I was pregnant with Emily, I sat over a pile of doctoral applications, and I agonized. One ectopic pregnancy and three years of trying to get pregnant--here I was pregnant. And faced with a critical career move. I "couldn't" possibly do both. It just wouldn't work. Very, very few people supported me or believed in me. And I did it. I never thought I would love being a mother--I do. I love it so much I research it. :) I never thought I could get so much done during a two hour block of time. I am not a model grad student, I leave that to the others in my program. I am going to sit back with my almost 4.0 GPA and publication in a top-tier journal, and I am going to hold on to those. I know that some people don't think I deserve those things, and that is sad. Very sad. When I told one person I was being published, she said "you?" and had a look of shock. Yes, me. The dumb old mom is actually one smart cookie.
Being a parent has made me a better grad student. I truly believe that these two events coming together are what allowed me to get through grad school so far. I know what I want to research and I have the passion to move me forward with it. I know how to use my time, I know how to get work done, and yet I have the perspective to, for the most part, let it all go when I walk in the door at night. I know there are people who don't want me to succeed, and people (probably even my friends) who don't think I will make it through. I will make it through. I'll never be a good grad student or the type of grad student faculty want to work with or advise, but one day my work will be the type of work that does help someone.

The Moms
Moms are mean. Dealing with a herd of moms is more frightening than defending a master's thesis or one's research at a conference. I'll be honest: mainstream society would see me as an epic fail as a parent. I don't buy into the gadgets, I don't buy into cribs, cry-it-out, rice cereal to sleep, or early weaning. I truly believe in baby-wearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and parenting peacefully and as your mama instincts tell you to do. I am constantly criticized by those around me for not using a crib, not shoving my baby in a car seat to nap, and by openly breastfeeding (really? REALLY?). And I am criticized by other moms who share my beliefs as cold and detached because I put my girls in daycare part time.

The conclusion? I can't win. I have three children: Emily, Lucy and my Doctorate.
I can't be the ideal "good" mom for my girls because of my Doctorate. And I can't give my Doctorate needed attention because I am busy being a mom. I try like hell to be dedicated to both, to be a good student, to be a good mom. Then one person from academic life or motherhood is quick to tear me down by belittling my accomplishments. The point? Learning to be confident in yourself and know yourself--and sometimes know when to ignore others, to distance from others, and to stop reading. :)

If you made it this far, I applaud you. If you are a mom and want to go to grad school, I urge you to do it. You will have the motivation and perspective you need to get through it. If you are an academic who insists there is never the right time to have kids, get over it, and have kids when it feels right. Everything else falls into place. I spent so many years trying to get pregnant that it was such a blessing to get pregnant twice. I spent so many years wanting to get my phd but getting lost along the way--it was a blessing to find a home in a program and get started. Know that these things can co-exist. But not without sacrifice. What have I given up? Sleep for one...LOL! :) I gave up reading, obsessive cleaning, getting things done in time, making homemade cards, showering and having a social life. Doesn' that all suck? Sure, it sometimes does. Do I regret being "irresponsible" and having kids? Never. Do I regret being a "bad" mom and going to grad school? Very rarely.

Hang in there grad student moms--move forward, knock down those who doubt you, take your coffee and know you will survive.