You heard that right---silence. There is total silence in my house, ok, except for my pump going, but hey, I can tune that out. The girls are at school, and I have a few minutes before I am leaving for school. These moments of silence are really really rare. I had a whole morning of them. I should have spent the time working--I spent my time running errands, cleaning, and zoning out a bit. Sometimes you HAVE to zone out.
The end of the semester is here. Classes are almost over...forever. Never will I sit in a classroom again as a student. My preliminary exams started almost a week ago, I am knee deep in feminist theory, and sometimes wondering how I got to this point. :)
It's funny how much life changes in a year. A year ago I was TERRIFIED of having another baby. I had no idea what would happen or what this would all be like. A year ago I started realizing who I was academically. One year ago Lucy started her very first internal assault on my organs.
In this moment of my life, I am so happy yet so nervous, apprehensive, fearful, and optimistic and pessimistic all at once. I am so happy with the decisions I made. I am so happy (and honestly surprised too) that I have two children. But, I am still a bundle of nerves about whether or not I can really make it through the next year. Let's be real. I am not the best grad student. Hell, I am not even that good of a graduate student (as my portfolio letter reflects if there was an award for "almost but not quite" I would win it).
It's rare that I use this blog to give thoughtful advice that isn't laced with sarcasm. As I am entering this freaky ass stage of grad school, I have realized there are a lot of things I have to shift in my life so that I can cope. If I had two hours of this silence for a day, it would be great. That will never happen. Here are my new coping strategies:
1. Drink more green tea it makes you happier than plain old coffee
2. Can't eat perfect, but eating fresher and greener lifts the mood. So does mint.
3. Focus on today--what can I do today? What did I do today?
4. The big picture freaks me out. I allow myself 15 minutes a day to think about it. No joke. That is it. Then I move on to what I need to do.
5. I will not work 24/7. Yeah, judge ALL you want grad students out there. Because guess what? Your most cherished friends and family DO mean more than this degree. They are always here--grad school is not. You don't want to miss a moment. You don't want to have regrets. When your three year old says play with me, you are plagued with the guilt of work to be done, but at the same time, how do you say no to that? Why would you? I can't and I won't. People always make comments to me about how nice it is that I can "play" all day long and "not work." If only they knew about parenting, about using a toilet, breastfeeding---they might change their tune. Come see me at 2 am when you are warm and cozy in your bed and I am up working. Asshats.
6. I walk every day. It isn't hardcore, and it isn't kickboxing (which I will never be able to do again anyway), and it isn't really going to make me less turbo fat. But, it is going to clear my head. Sometimes that is enough.
I have no other words of wisdom.
1 comment:
I like thoughtful Ali, too. Snarky Ali always has my heart, don't get me wrong, but as a Gemini, I embrace the duality. I also think that your advice goes broader than just grad schools. Sometimes you've just gotta play with your kids. Or eat dinner with them. Or sit in the bleachers. Or wait in a parking lot for the bus to arrive. Those are just a handful of the thousands of things that aren't productive, but are more important. You're doing great. I'm gonna take some of your advice. ;)
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