As I sit here in the middle of the night, wide awake in panic and running through my different categories of to do lists, I can't help but stand back for a moment and realize...the end truly is almost here. My preliminary exams are defended, my dissertation proposal is in progress, classes are ready to be taught this fall, projects are moving forward, and I am printing job ads every day. How did I get here? Where did the time go? What has happened? How have I NOT failed out?
Let's back up to what brought me to this point of sheer panic.
On August 23rd I successfully (and I use that term loosely) defended my comprehensive exams. I have never thought so hard...I think I had an out of body experience. I have never used the terms "feminist perspective" and "dominant discourse" so many times in two hours. It was a blur that ended with my advisor questionning the importance of my topic and why I would want to study it. But at the end of the day, I am going to study it...and at the end of the day, the quantoids on my committee are allowing me to do qualitative research. No mixed methods. Epic.
My preschooler...GASP. So, I have struggled with this kid ALL.summer.long. Seriously. I thought one of us might not survive it. The attitude, the screaming, the constant "I don't like you," "I don't like that," and "NO!" Screaming about food, sleeping, using the toilet...you name it, we fought. All summer. I removed her kicking and screaming from Target and crappy restaurants in Kentucky. I am not going to call her an angel, but something happened to her recently to make her less bat shit crazy. I don't know what it is--and if I did, I would bottle and sell it to other parents for a hefty sum of moola. She listens (mostsly), is super sweet, plays with L, uses the toilet (I don't have to help), says thank you, and is becoming more self-sufficient every day. She is smart and curious and helpful and imaginative and best of all..she is nice again!
Which brings me to L...I am calling her my little force of nature. She is the happiest kid---giggling, laid back and KABAAAM!! 0-900 and my little force of nature and her temper are sending her reeling. She is um, well, my girl...lol.
She is all over the place..truly crawling and pulling up? She scoots forward, crawls backward, wiggles her butt and gets to where she needs to be so she can pull up, stand and let go. Geez. Food? Yes please as long as I don't feed it to her with a spoon. Force of nature LOVES her some green beans and peaches--no joke. She eats what we eat--minus any dairy cause we truly do not know. Still nursing, still co-sleeping, but what would you expect from someone like me?
And my kids sometimes even play WITH each other. It is kind of odd as I don't remember E playing with other kids at L's age. They seem to know how to make each other laugh, and how to make the other stop crying. It is amazing. Especially as someone who had an older sister, who, well, sucks. Right now, they are in a good place. they get along...gasp. I am holding on to it while it lasts.
And here I am...I have arrived to a place that I onlly imagined I might get to someday. I am standing with a developing dissertation proposal, projects, papers, syllabi, job postings...and I don't know how I made it this far. Hell, I don't know how I survived my exams or why my committee let me stay (realize I am probably exaggerating a bit, it wasn't *that* bad). But truly, I am stunned to be here. So much lies in front of me. So much uncertainty, so many decisions, so much hope. But yet, everything is day to day. The stress...the pressure. I can't sleep, and sometimes am so paralyzed with fear I can't think. It hit me why most normal, rational people do not get their doctorate. That of course hit me on day 5 without a shower, while I worked in my office in dirty clothes, rubbing dry shampoo in my hair, wiping my face with a cleansing cloth and obsessively putting on lip gloss. It also hit me when I realized I can barely hold a "normal" conversation anymore.
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