At a Snail's Pace

I wish there was some way to make all of these things life simmer down, go away, or a way to manage them with the hours that exist in the day. I wish there was a way to turn emotions off and decide when/where/how to deal with them. I wish I was 22 again (or hell 28 again) so I could function on very little sleep.

I keep moving forward...slowly. So, so slowly. I thought the shame involved with being the last in my cohort would motivate me to move faster. Not so much. I also thought that trying to read and revise my proposal would be calming---it makes me sob and miss my adviser more. I thought the fact that I am not graduating on time and do not have a job would motivate me to move forward. Not so much. It reminds me that things do not go as you plan--live in the day and don't take it for granted.

Right now in my academic life, I feel like a giant fail. Truly. I am not ABD (and won't be anytime soon), I have no job or job prospects, and I am not graduating on time. My ever-so-practical husband reminds me that I will get through it and tries to twist it in the name of interview--"Just think, when anyone asks you what the hardest part of getting your doctorate was, you will know, and you can tell them how you overcame it." I guess. Not really the way I wanted to answer it. I thought using the "I was irresponsible and had not one but TWO kids" would work.

I still feel devastated...emotion is raw. I listen to people talk and tell me how close they were to her/how important she was/how much she cared about them/how wonderful their relationship was, I see the caringbridge site, I see hew new department page, I see the obituary--and each time, it hurts all over again and takes my breath away. And I sit and shake my head...because truly, I don't believe it yet.