Seriously. I hate this year. I hate, hate, hate this year. EVERY time I think I have myself stabilized again and ready to move forward, something happens. Every.single.time. I am not sure how much one person is supposed to endure before they snap. I am still not sure why I have not snapped.
I can't even tell you what has happened since my last post. Spring break, sickness, daycare issues, drama...I just don't even know what. And here I am, much like I was in 2011, standing still, sobbing, and for sure not moving forward. The ONLY reasons that I am in graduate school right now are my obligation to my students and to my daughter finishing her year in preschool. I am at a point that I don't even know how to move forward with my own work to complete this degree. And I don't know if I want to. I never imagined that the fourth year of this program would be like this. Disappointment after tragedy after drama after disappointment. I can't even move forward without someone or some force of nature trying to knock me on my ass. And I am not sure why I bother any more. Not ABD, can't write anymore without breaking down sobbing, an adviser just trying to make sure I get shoved out the door, no job...nothing. Four years of a doctoral program, three years of a MA program and I have nothing. Nothing. Nothing. NOTHING.
But in my attempt to be positive...I gave up coffee. A week ago. There you have it. I feel marvelous.
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