Spring 2012...Thanks for Ending

This semester is over. Finally. I haven't been able to write in over a month. Here is where I am at. I defended my dissertation proposal a week ago...last person to be ABD. Slowest grad student in history I guess. :) But moving foward nonetheless, and I have to be happy about that I suppose. Still not entirely sure what the future holds, but there are some promising changes happening. Graduation is over. I wondered how I would feel about graduation. And it is over. It is so surreal because I am so happy for people, but at the same time, it leaves me feeling stunned. The thing that bothers me the most are the pictures of grad students and their advisors. Lame, trust me, I know. BUT, I am a sentimental person. As graduation got closer, I actually looked forward to that photo. At this time last year I could almost imagine the process--and even the conversation. I look at those pictures and I can't help but say to myself, "Wow, I won't have one of those." Now obviously I will have a similar picture (they make you have an advisor, I checked), but it won't be what I imagined. As I reach the end of this semester, I remain stunned at the life lessons I have learned. I went from knowing she was sick to knowing it was bad, to the spiral that lead to her death and ultimately memorial service. That was just from January to April. I can't believe it...still. The constant reminders are gone, for the most part. People have moved on. But yet everyday I don't. Everyday I have at least one moment, one email, one story, one conversation, one teaching moment, one accomplishment that I want to share with her--because I know no one else will get why it matters to me. I miss her terribly. This was my most challenging semester of teaching. I can't even begin to describe the lessons I learned, ranging from small lessons about projects, big lessons about how students really learn and what they care about, to what students with disabilities fear in classrooms. I am not sure I have listened as much, thought as much, revised as much, planned as much, or graded as much. Ever. But I was proud of my students, particularly my upper division students. And for the first time, I told them. My life as a mom only gets a thousand times more complicated. My preschooler has suddenly returned to hyper-attached to mom mode. My todder is still breastfeeding...GASP! I can't even begin to document those conversations and what is said. People in my life range from supportive (that number excludes most family and a few friends) to horrified. I just stopped talking about it. Makes for an interesting life. My mental health has taken a massive hit this semester. It is funny, in December/early January, I thought this semester would be amazing. My husband's job was secure, I was able to write again, and I had hit a new level in m relationship with my advisor. And then things unraveled. And unraveled, and every week would fall apart more than I thought was possible. I hit every emotion, I cried so much, my complexion is like a teenager, and I have thrown up over 40 times. Somehow, somehow, SOMEHOW, I stand on the other side of this. I have never felt so defeated and so...just weird. I just want everything from this semester to go away-I know it won't, but I want it to. As for me, I am going to sleep the sleep of a woman who has been restless for months.