Dear Universe

Tonight I thought about writing a letter to the universe. A strongly worded letter letting the universe know that I planned to become Dr. Gattoni this year, and I would appreciate a bit more cooperation.

The highlights?
1. My kids are growing up (sad) but it is so cool to see them as they start to evolve into little people with real interests (I leave out the fighting, screeching and shoving of course).
2. I reconnected with my brother. There are no words. I have always, always absolutely adored and looked up to my brother. He is a wonderfully kind and super talented man. I am listening to his music like crazy as it puts me in a mood to write.
3. I mostly gave up coffee. Yep, you read that right. It is making me sick and just adding to my existing stress and anxiety. I am finding tea to be wonderful.
4. Summer is so close.

The low points?
1. I am not ABD
2. My proposal isn't done and writing is still incredibly difficult for me.
3. Nightmares and bizzare dreams have resumed.
4. Did I mention I am not ABD? -----> Department Disappointment Lives Here <----
5. No job prospects.
6. My dogs are now fighting all the time.
7. My dad is in the ER at least once a week and having heart surgery at the end of this month.
8. 10 days until the memorial service. My heart breaks again each day thinking about it.
9. Oh, apparently my parents are selling their house and having a showing this week. A showing of someone desperate for a house by the end of May. End of May.

So, you ask, where does this leave me? I wish I knew. I think the universe hates me. I really do. I don't think it got the memo about me finishing the program. I am buried in grading, I am behind, and my heart is still heavy. Everyone else seems to be moving forward and forgotten. I wish I could do that. Every day I walk into the building, I am reminded that I am very much alone. The person I could bounce ideas off is gone. The only person I would go to if I was stuck--gone. The person I could go to when I had great news or achieved something that made me look smart-gone. The person that I was concerned about disappointing-gone. And honestly, it all just sucks. I think every day about just letting the semster end and just not finishing. Then I remember that I will regret that one day. Then I spin around and freak out.

I wish life would stand still...for awhile.