Welcome to Year 5

Here I stand...at the beginning of the fifth year of my PhD program. Yet, there is only word that matters in that crappy sentence--stand. I am still standing. As you readers know (not actually sure I have real readers), last semester was um...let's try the word hell. By the time summer hit I had come unglued. Completely unglued. I couldn't write. I couldn't think. I could barely function. I was much how I imagine a zombie to be. And then I did something that is strickly forbidden by all laws in PhD land... I stopped. And I took a break. I put down my dissertation--and I walked away. I put down the other papers--and I walked away. I put down my teaching prep--and I walked away. I shut my office door--and I walked away. And I didn't look back until now. Go ahead, you can judge me all you want. I will completely admit that I did not have a productive summer by doctoral student standards--not at all. I am sure most faculty and most grad students would be horrified. And that is ok. I re-read my blog posts for the past year. I re-read all of the CaringBridge posts that documented death. I watched myself come unglued. I watched all confidence vanish after my exam defense. I watched my personal life shatter. I watched myself come unglued as I encountered dramatic event after dramatic event. I watched myself as I fought my department to bring normalcy back to my academic life. I watched myself as I read posts and read about someone so important to me die. I watched myself as I realized I would read about that death from a website. I watched myself make decisions about this fifth year. I watched myself try to put things back together. And for once, I cut myself some slack. I told myself it is time to stop--and to focus on two things to help bring back sanity. I am a control freak--and a neat freak. I know, I know, two kids, two dogs, doctoral program--that's gotta be a joke. For the first time in a year, I decluttered my house--kids are great helpers. Dejunked, consolidated, donated, sold, trashed, recycled. I organized. I created systems. I felt like I could function. Now, brace yourselves readers: I used to be a runner. In fact, a varsity runner in cross country and track. I stopped running, gained a ton of weight, had kids and a phd program. This summer I decided that the one thing that might let me work through my emotions, work through my ideas, and actually help me manage the stress would be to return to running. So this is what I have done--granted, I am a run/walker (who is ashamed to admit that she runs/walks to her ke$ha pandora station). What that time did for me was amazing. I still have tons to work through and tons of stress, but that time has done wonders for me. Slowly, slowly, I noticed both my sanity and my clarity. And with those, today my productivity came back. I am taking the last weeks of the summer to relax, to prepare for this year ahead and get a plan to prepare. Not that I can prepare for life-but a better plan to help me manage what might come my way. That is a lot of positivity for me.