Never a Dull Moment...Never

Week 2 of the semester...complete One child thrilled with kindergarten...check One child angry about being in a new room at daycare...check Adhering to my semester schedule...fail Remembering to go running...fail Oh, fifth year. This year is just beyond words. I feel like I am caught in this strange place--not really feeling like a TA anymore, definitely not feeling like a faculty member. But I am calmer than I have been in four years. I am more grounded than I have been in four years. And I am managing uncertainty and handling it all in a way that I never expected. My dissertation has been a hot mess...let's just be honest. Nothing has clicked. No moment of true clarity, no moment of brillance, no light bulbs ever turned on. The last week of the semester I started reading again. And I came back to the idea and the theory that I turned to over and over again...nerd alert, nerd alert, crazy blog lady is going to go into a rant 'bout her dissertation... I met with my new adviser. Our first meeting where either of seemed sane. And as I explained what I kept coming back to, it became clearer and clearer. I dreaded returning to a body of literature that I had been avoiding. I sat down in my office and I read. And I read. And then I went to the "reading room" (read: piles of books and journals that belong to faculty members that have been discarded). And all of Renee's books and journals. I hated knowing they were there until that day--because I knew the book I needed to read would be there. And as I read the chapter, all of the pieces that I needed...already highlighted. All week I read. I looked up more references. Took more books from her library. I thought I would cry for two reasons: one because I miss her. And two, I wished she could know where I have arrived. And I wish so very much to be able to ask her questions and talk to her about my ideas. I wished SO much to tell her that I FINALLY have a theory that explains what I am looking for in online community but also that explains a paper I have been struggling with for two years. I then shake my head, and I keep reading. By today, my desk is a small pile of books and journals--many with her name scrawled inside. Some with her highlighting, post-it notes or writing. A few months ago I would have been sobbing. But, this week I wasn't. Do I leave behind the sense she was disappointed? Not really. I have told myself that is a question I will never be able to answer--it is a question I will have to let go of. What I have decided instead is to hold onto this moment where things are clicking together--to this moment where I can use all of her books and journals. I tell myself that this is the sign I have been looking for. I tell myself that this is the way that the person I miss so much ends up being a part of this journey with me. And I remind myself I will get through this.