Walking Away

I am sure, nonexistent readers, that the title of this post must be intriguing. In my last post I ranted of the beauty of teaching. And then I did something I didn't think I would do...I walked away. Yes folks, this doctor packed her bags and gave the academy a rain check (I flubbed that from Imagine Dragons). Let it sink in... I got a job offer...to take over a business. And that business is close to my heart because the people that work there are life my family. And so, back I went to dentistry. I know, I am stunned too. Let me walk you through it. First, I made a pro and con list for my teaching job. I saw several alarming things include: toxic, disrespect, unfriendly coworkers, poor pay, poor working conditions and poor future outlook. The positive? A great place for my daughter to go to school, summers off and the respect of those caught up in titles who would "oooo" and "ahhh" thinking I was a fancy doctor that worked at a university. :) The pros? Friendly people, respect, interesting and challenging work, and a salary that I cannot make as a lecturer. So, I walked away. For my sanity, for my family, for my materialistic side. And let me tell you, my academic friends were some of the most supportive and helpful people. They reassured me that a phd was flexible. They reassured me that this was a good choice. But let me summarize the rest of the reactions. 1. Blank stares 2. Disapproving glances 3. Wow, so you wasted your phd? 4. That sounds beneath you. 5. So you gave up, huh? 6. Couldn't you get a real professor job? 7. So you couldn't take it as a teacher. 8. I am so sorry. 9. I guess if that makes you happy. 10. Hmmmm (followed by a judgmental look) 11. What an interesting choice Academics has made an an arrogant and very proud woman. I have always been more caught up in titles and less worried about money. But the reactions, the lack of support from most family, some friends and many acquaintances, the confident side of me fell apart. I never took this decision lightly. I have elderly parents. My husband's family is here. Our friends are here. Our house needs about $30,000 of work before it can go on the market, my husband loves his job and has a great job, our kids love our neighborhood, we love the schools and hell we even love this polar vortex state. So, I can stay as an adjunct where the world perceives me as important because I work at a university (and my colleagues view me as a joke) or I can walk away to a job with flexibility, challenges, respect and money. It seemed obvious. But damn, if it isn't hard. I feel embarrassed, I feel ashamed and I feel like a failure because I am do not have a tenure track teaching position. There you go. Let me say it again. I feel like a failure. I am ashamed that I have a BA, MA and a PhD and I cannot get a tenure track teaching job. I have let myself down. I have failed. So much of my identity is tied to my ego, my doctorate, teaching...my identity seems to be 90% work. Work that I am not sure I love. Work that I think has made me someone that is not pleasant to be around. Work that takes away sleep, takes away time for friends and family, work that takes away my youth and leaves me tired, stress, lonely, fat and with very little money. And I let people make me feel ashamed about that? Why? I wish I knew. August and back to school time is here, and I feel ridiculous and fragile. This shouldn't be hard. So, I decided that it is time to work on me. It is time to take whatever it is that academics, this past year and those so called friends and family have done to damage my ego. It is time to enjoy life. It is time to stop working 24/7. It is time to run and work out and stop being fat. It is time to have hobbies, see friends, and more importantly, smile (because I stopped doing that). I don't know where life is going to lead me. And for the first time in many, many years (possibly ever), I am going to sit back, enjoy the ride, and see where life takes me. PS-Just because I am not an "academic" does not mean that I am not a snark so no fear.