Two Weeks and Counting

Yet another cranky post about academics. Damn you academics, DAMN YOU!! I am not being dramatic, I mean it. My preliminary exams start in two weeks. I don't care if others have already done it or will do it, this is my pity party.

I feel like I am hitting a true low point with grad school. I have been stressed, I have been overwhelmed, but it has never been like this. Knowing these exams are coming makes me want to throw up in my shoes--and perhaps all over my house, my neighborhood or the whole damn state. I am sitting under 50 some odd presentations to grade (teaching online is very "family friendly" you know), weekly homework in two classes, final papers, dissertation proposal work, preparing to teach summer school starting next month, preparing my upper division class for fall, three papers to go out for publication, preparing to look for jobs, preparing our house in the event we need to go on the market, pumping like a mad woman to prepare for this summer, potty training my stubborn clone of a toddler, sweeping up dog hair tumble weeds and trying to make sure the dogs run every day, sleeping a few hours a night, seeing my husband sometimes, nursing (now that takes a special energy when you don't sleep), cleaning, laundry, cooking, commuting, packing and unpacking bags, and family events.

And on TWO, count them TWO days of daycare a week. Did I mention my pathetic TA salary enables to me to have two days a week of daycare in order to do ALL of my own work and all of my teaching work? Did I mention that those two days are also eaten up by class or seminars, meetings, walking, pumping, and cramming down as much work as possible? And this summer you ask? Two days again that I have scraped together to pay for. Two days to do all of that. Riiiight. And how will I get the rest done? Will I be selecting numbers from the line of people jumping up and down to babysit for me....oh wait... I think my brain might explode. Seriously.

And then there are the people that need things. And I can't say no, and I am happy to help the friends who are always there to help me. But then there are the friends who never reciprocate. Grr...and don't even start me on family. And don't tsk, tsk me for having children and being in school either. I couldn't do this even if I DIDN't have a family. If anything that makes me more focused and manage my time better (except when I blog in the middle of the night). And if one more person tells me that I "can't do it" I will flip out. Seriously. I may be going through a weeding of friends again (too bad I can't weed out unsupportive family members). I so appreciate all of my wonderful friends (even the delusional ones who think we all survive this phd program) who are supportive and assure me we can do it--"we always do." And we always do. We always get it done. At what cost? And before you judge (because I know those who want to). I have never not once during this entire program not turned in any work or asked for an extension. Nor do I dump my children off at a grandparent's house so that I can get work done or go out (FYI--aside from child birth, no one has watched my children since August so I could go to a meeting--that was 8 months ago).

I should go to bed. But, truth is, I can't sleep at night anymore. I lie there, and I freak out about the next year--or I feel so guilty for sleeping instead of working.

I know, it isn't the sunshine and kitten paws you expect from me. This is not a time of sunshine and kitten paws--and when it is, it is in rare moments. A moment when I read something that makes me feel smart, when E gives me a hug just because, when I wake up and see L smiling and waiting for me to get up. I would mention my husband, but well, I confess I don't talk to my husband much these days. It isn't because he pisses me off, it is just because life gets in the way. But, I will say the rare moments these days would be when my husband buys three flavors of creamer for my coffees so I am motivated, buys me a thousand types of oatmeal because I am not sure if I have eaten enough oatmeal, listens to my rants about students, articles or unspportive people, or my own research without interrupting, helps me figure out schedules to get my work done, suggests theories for me to use when writing my paper (who knew my husband knew what structuration theory was), he literally brings me water and sticks the straw in my mouth so I do not get dehydrated while nursing, and doesn't judge me when I dunk cookies in coffee because I can't drink milk. Not that he reads my blog (hell I may be the only one that reads my blog) but I feel like he is my number one fan and sometimes my only fan.

That's it for me.