Crappy Wine, White Cheddar Cheese...I'll Vote for Rewind Please!

I mean, really, we all need crappy wine and cheese on a Saturday night.

So my last post is all about letting go, and all about the uncertainty in life. Let's pick up there...

My adviser is trying a new drug. As it turns out, there is a drug designed to target the specific genetic mutation associated with her cancer. That's great you say, a cure then? I don't think a cure, but a chance to slow growth. In the grand scheme of things, I don't know. Too fearful to google...*throws back a juice glass of wine*
She is really weak from the blasting of chemo/radiation over the past two weeks, is in the hospital, started the new drug, and hopefully goes home? All rest, no visitors. Makes sense. No visitors, no special messages, no good byes, no hugs, no cards, no flowers...no problem. Unless you are special I suppose. *gags on cheap white wine*

I'll be honest...because this is my blog, and I get to do that here for the small amount of people who read this. This is not easy. Literally, the only communication is through a CaringBridge website. Now, it is not like we ever saw each other every day, but for someone I have been in constant contact with since 2003--well--this is tough to accept. No visits? No good byes? No expression of gratitude? No hug...ok, we have never hugged...though there was that time she patted me on the back when I had a panic attack. Anyhoo, I have turned into a CaringBridge stalker, a constant reviewer of guestbook entries, and a constant FB page stalker. Sigh. It is all sad. I am sad--sad as a stalker and sad as in my heart feels like it is breaking. And the number of people who "get" it is slim. And I just can't talk anymore. So, I wait. I restrained myself from emailing her five times JUST on Friday morning. What do you even do?

So where is my academic life? Well, clearly, it is the focus of all things these days---except for the moments of enjoying kids, my husband, my friends, games, fish fry, oh, and my glorious boots (for a fat gal, i have skinny legs, so boots are like this wonderous thing in life). Here is a recap:

1. Department has stopped fighting me. I have an adviser pending paperwork. I am incredibly happy that she is my adviser. She was on my committee, I have known her almost as long as my adviser (wait...how am I supposed to distinguish them...should it be like adviser emeritus?). Anyhoo, we have a good working relationship and she has always been supportive of me. And was the person who introduced me to my research method. I don't like change, and I don't want someone new. But, I am happy it is her.
2. My committee is still in the air.
3. My graduation is still in the air.
4. My proposal has collected little dust bunnies.
5. So logically, this gal is not ABD <-----Loser...eh, i have wine.
6. My portfolio is done. It sucks, I don't care. I didn't even know how to handle my complicated adviser relationships. I thought about putting "it's complicated"
7. I found a job to apply for...in another state...Minnesota...I hear it is cold there?
8. I found two divisions to submit my papers too for NCA...extended abstracts...let's throw my ugly proposal and my Pregnant in Heels paper to the wind! :)
9. My PR team (who have no idea how to get to this blog) are handing things for me so that I am not rude.
10. Our first professional development seminar is Friday. I hear I might tell someone off.

So there you have it. Things still suck, my hear is still broken, and I am limping forward, sobbing hysterically, covered in cracker crumbs and cheese...but in fabulous boots.