I stepped away from the blog because everything in life became...too much.
For those of you readers who do not know about life in the academy, the relationship between an adviser and an advisee is a complicated one. It is so much closer than "just" a relationship between a professor and a student. It is a mentoring/advising/friendship/counseling position. Truly not a relationship to be taken lightly. I have been so lucky to have the same adviser for both my MA and PhD programs. 8 years this spring. We have an advising relationships FULL of ups and downs...and a few months ago came to a different type of understanding of each other and the downs--which brought things to a better place.
There are no words except the most simple ones: my dear adviser, my dear mentor, my dear teacher, my dear friend...has stage IV lung cancer. Every day of her life is full of rest, meeting small goals, breathing treatments, drugs, and radiation/chemo. Her days may be limited. Finding the words to express this...I can't. Simply put, I am not ready to say good bye, and I don't know how.
I found out the news on February 12, though I was prepared for it. I have spent the days since fighting to get a new adviser (funny how no one wants to work me), fighting to keep my committee, and fighting my own pain of losing someone so important in my life. My pain and my inability is so selfish in the grand scheme of things--it isn't about me. So outwardly, it is not. But in this blog, it is. Because it has to be. There are no professional development seminars to prepare you for this. I never realized how much she was an advocate and stood up for me--until I started having to stand up for myself.
To date, I do not have an adviser. Important department people to meet Friday to vote on co-chairs. We will see.
I am overwhelmed. Truly. My own pain, my own anxiety, and hearing the pain and the stories from other graduate students who also had strong connections to her. I want to listen. I want to be helpful. I want to be a a good friend and mentor. But, I want to be selfish too.
Right now life feels so uncertain. This program feels so lonely, so crazy, and I am tired of fending for myself . I am tired of politics. I can't imagine dropping out, I can't imagine moving forward. I watch my proposal each day, covered in dust.
I am not ABD like the rest of my cohort.
Like a first year PhD student, I do not have an adviser
LIke a second year PhD student, I don't have a committee
I am not ABD ( I know I said it twice)
I can't apply for graduation, there is no once to sign my paperwork
I can't defend my proposal-no one to call the meeting
I can't apply for jobs--not ABD, no adviser and no clue where my dissertation will go
I KNOW this isn't about me, and I know I am being selfish making it about me, but I am not sure how else to cope.
1 comment:
In some ways it has to be about you. These are trying times and in a way it is about you. There is nothing wrong with that. You have grown so close to your adviser as I have with mine. I think you have a healthy understanding of what this is largely about but I promise you it is OK to acknowledge how this is hard for you. You are going to get through this time and you are not alone. Love you!
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