First Step Forward

I seriously might blog almost every day this week.

Today was a terrible and a wonderful day. Today I received the word that a new adviser was selected for me--a choice that in no way makes any sense to me. A choice that I am not sure how to except. But a choice that I have to accept. I spent the morning crying, sobbing. This isn't how I wanted things to turn out with this program. In academics, it IS a big deal who your adviser is. While it is petty, this person is not who I want my name attached to. At all. I tried to think through options, I tried to understand.

And then a wonderful thing happened--two of my friends came over just because they knew I was breaking down. Two friends who are sharing so many similar struggles in grad school put it all aside and pretended to be positive for a day with me. It went a long way.

Where am I at? Resignation. I am shocked this is what is going to happen to me. I worry about my real adviser every day (we were told not to contact her). I can't imagine, truly, the last part of this program without her. Paired with someone who has a different work ethic, a different content area, a different method--is hard. Oh wait, we both study the Internet.

My next step? I guess we make this hot mess of a change official. I don't know what that entails yet. In one of the last meetings I had with my adviser, we talked a lot about doing the research and being complete in enough in my work that I could confidentially argue for my own project. The difference now--the support is gone. The person standing with me as a united front, supporting my idea is gone. And now, I have to wage this battle against the new adviser.

I always knew this phd would be so hard to survive through. I just never imagined it would be like this.