New Year's Resolutions...Hello, 2013!

HA! You didn't really think I would have resolutions, did you?? Well 2013, let me welcome you with warm and loving arms. I am pretty sure it isn't going to be worse than 2012...and if it does, I will be writing some strongly worded letters to the universe. I am ready for this year. It isn't often that I say this, but I am. While I am on "break," I decided to read the blog posts in 2012. Amazing to have a permanent record of watching yourself come unraveled. I found myself trying to cheer myself on, telling myself you are going to get through this. I won't make any resolutions in 2013. Don't get me wrong, I think that resolutions are important. Goals and changes are critical in life. The entire year of 2012 forced me to reset my life goals and make more changes in life than I would be comfortable making in the span of 4-5 years. Looking back, I realized that life or karma or something pulled the rug out from under me and yelled "RESET!" I don't know a time in my life when I have felt so uncertain, so nervous, so depressed or so uncertain. Although it was illegal to walk away from graduate school over the summer, I still I am happy about this decision. I still can't put into words the ways that Renee's death has impacted me both personally and professionally. I can't say that a day goes by when she isn't my thoughts in some capacity. I still have moments where I cry, moments of sheer anger, sheer frustration, and moments of complete acceptance. I have moments where I shake my fist and say, "if I had known this is what the last year of my graduate program would be like, I wouldn't have done it." But that simply isn't true. I would do this all over again a million times, with the same decisions. I hate that my relationship with Renee ended on such an uncertain note and with so many things so unresolved. When I had the summer to clear my brain, I told myself that while I was going to let myself grieve, I was not going to allow myself to fall behind any more. I told myself that the best way to heal myself would be to find the ways that I could continue to carry some piece of her with me. I realized that the first way that I have always (and will always) carry her with me is in my own strength and ability to stand up for myself--in the academic world among the academic politics. I was used to always being able to lean on her, to learn about the process from her. I have learned in the past year that I need to be able to navigate this world a bit more on my own, standing upright on my own. Having an advisor at another school, knowing I am in my fifth year, knowing most of the people in my department think I am nuts (seriously) has forced me to stand up tall and to watch out for myself. Another aspect of this was standing up for myself and for my own research, being able to articulate what it was I wanted from this dissertation. I still have no idea how I defended my proposal or what I told my committee I would do. I can tell you that my dissertation is now what I envisioned it would become. In the past few years (and especially last spring) my ability to manage life has fallen apart. Two kids, two dogs, marraige a ouse, teaching annd a doctoral program--something has to give. I couldn't manage my time, I always felt guilty, I always needed more time, I felt like I didn't see my kids, I felt like my house was covered in a layer of dust. One thing that struck me at Renee's memorial was Ko's speech about her--and talking about the importance of an hour. I think of all of the things that Renee accomplished in her life. I still think she was stretched too thin, but in that moment, the whole idea of an hour struck me. I decided I had nothing to lose in this life. I took the summer off, I got organized, I got focused, I started enjoying life, I stopoed working 24/7, I stopped staying up all night. And guess what? I figured out how to use an hour better now than I have at any point in my life. So many uncertainties lie ahead in 2013...graduation, a job, the possibility of moving/a new state, kindergarten, preschool...and yet unlike last year, I am not reeling and crumbling in the face of uncertainty. During those long summer nights of running, of thinking and of listening to Lady Gaga (don't hate), I found some type of peace within. The peace to handle what comes, the peace I needed to make changes nad the peace I needed to let me enjoy all that is in graduate school, knowing that everything WILL fall into place. Some might call that faith. I love learning, I have loved graduate school and all that the journey has brought me. I love teaching. I love being around other graduate students. I love burying myself in my own work. I love breaks. I love writing. I love the peace of my quiet basement office. I have loved all 8 years of graduate school, and I have loved the 11 years that I have been at UWM. Leaving that behind is going to be hard. Knowing that I am going to find a place where I can teach, where I can write and where I can inspire my own undergraduate and graduate students in the ways that my own mentors have inspired me gives me hope that things are going to work out. Also I am high on decaf tea so I might not be credible...ethos fail.